The mind keeps you busy. The heart keeps you occupied. All the talking I have ever been able to do is a synthesis of the mind and heart. I often think this helps me maintain a balance of thoughts. When one goes too far, the other pulls it back and somehow always, the two end up going together.
So, the mind and heart together, although create a wondrous balance also leave me so perplexed that I have had to shut down both, in order to move on to something else or to simply go about the mundane but necessary occupations of the day.
Countless ideas, countless opinions, thoughts and possible actions from them are lost, and get wasted in this way. There is just no time to think so much, see so many things and voice out so many words as the mind and heart go through in a single day. And so, as it ends, I am left restless, angry and dissatisfied. So here, I take my laptop and try to sum up all that has been going on over the past few days. Even as I type this, a part of me knows that a lot of matters are going to be overlooked in this process too. But I need to get it out… so here I am.. I am trying..
First thing in my mind is Ironies. It is not a new concept. In fact, one that is more understood by most of us. But the magnitude with which it keeps hitting has just permanently made its place in my mind. It is like an automatic process: something happens and my mind is ready with the analysis. Irony: With pain behind toothy smiles and mockery behind praise and cunning behind cries. One could hate it but one has to accept living with it. That and another thing closely related. Paradox is a frustrating and demoralizing truth.
Then comes the ‘Greater Good’ concept. Simple words like good and bad being subjective, my opinions hardly satisfy me. There is always an angle not analysed, an idea not ventured through and truth not figured. Questions do not end. Learning does not end. Confusion further does not end. I wonder how long I shall keep going. I even wonder if I should keep going. Knowledge could become a heavy burden. But the great ones say it is the opposite: knowledge makes you free. I hope I reach there one day. Because today, at least, the more I learn, the angrier, sorry and restless I get. Knowledge is tying me down still. I am not free, yet.
Then there are people. I learn more from them, than I ever have or would by reading books. I fight with myself everyday over a choice between the two: people and books. I am drawn to people. I need people, as I need to breathe. Being around them makes me feel more alive than experiencing a ‘Eureka’ moment with a great book. The thirst for knowledge pulls me to books. I love reading. But it is by being around people that I can live what I learn from books. Knowledge for knowledge’s sake is pointless. It is boring. It has to be applied, tested, twisted and evolved. It needs to be exposed. It needs practice. People give me that.
And then it is those things that I have left behind. The habits that changed and the priorities that changed. Growth makes you take decisions, sooner or later. But it does not take away memories. And in no way does it curb passions. But truth be told, the realization of what I left behind to move on to something else pulled my strength down by several levels. It is a daily mental war, to stand up and act, to not think of what is gone and do my best with the job at hand.
And finally those things that make me smile. Or laugh. Antidotes to the sorry state of affairs, and a solace from all the worry I have about the world. Loving people and their care, steaming mugs of tea and hot breakfasts, distress calls and cute photographs, favourite foods and talkative friends, starry nights and wind in my hair, the toothless smile of a little baby and a warm hug of a sweetheart. Small things matter the most. They singularly make living beautiful. Even with all the things above, I still have a lightness in my heart and a jump to my walk because I know there are always more things to be happy about than to be sad.
