It closed upon me one day in December last year: the prospects on being 21. 21 was the number my father used every time he had to say "NO" to me. 'You can do whatever you want when you are 21. Not now!' and I would accept. It was reasonable enough. But by the end of my teenage, I developed an unnecessary importance for the number. I thought my whole world would change with that one number. I thought I would feel free. I thought I would be really independent.
It's been days since I got 21. My 21st birthday, which a few months ago had the highest importance was like any other day of the year. I could not meet my favourite people. I did not get any surprises and I did not even expect any. I realized that day that I did not need that one day to be told by my people how much they love me. I did not need that one day to grow up. In the process of waiting to grow up, I grew up already. I tried to remember all the things my father did not allow me to do because I was small. I realized, I had done all those things anyway.
Birthdays are important because every year, I take that one day and introspect. I ask myself how much I have changed since last year. For the past five years, I have been a new person every year.
This year, I figured I was the same old me. I am only covered by a newer me. But really, I am only, simply and basically, just me.
They say you find yourself only once, for real. I, on my part, found myself, wore a few masks and changed a few clothes, and one day, beneath it all, found myself again.
Everything changes in five years. But I found a few things that remain constant.
What changes is only choices. Five years ago, I made the choices I would not make today. Those choices define me today. Today's choices will define me tomorrow. And things will go on changing.
There is riot going on the mind. How do you plan and act and work when you don't know the full outcome of your choices? The conflict of the mind and heart does not always have a winner. And then there are some choices which you don't make, but make themselves. So there is the golden rule: "Always listen to your heart". A Paulo Coelho reader has her own misgivings thus. But Mr. Coelho, the heart is not always right!
I've got things to do. I've got happiness to spread and tears to wipe. But the ways of the world tell it is not a very easy task. Some say it is worthless and useless. The shit will continue.
But I cannot get myself to accept that. The world is not such a horrible place. Even with all the shit going on, there are certain things worth living for, and worth dying for too. And in one way or another, they all have something or everything to do with love. I knew this all those years ago. And I know this now, after getting a bit of the shit going on too. Change is not the only constant. Whoever said that, did not love.
Being 21 has not mattered. Because I do not need a number to tell me to hug my teddy bear or not. I do not need a number to tell me if I am ready for taking on the world. I do not need a number to figure that I am finally independent. Being 21 has not made me anymore responsible or careless. Being 21 has not changed the way I love and care and it has not changed my dreams. Really speaking, it does not make a difference. And that makes me very happy.
