Little Finger Strong

 

I've had a privileged childhood, yes. Though growing up in an orthodox gujrati joint family makes one pretty strong. You see, there are so many personalities in close quarters at all times, that you learn to allow, adapt and adjust to a number of things that you don't find appealing. Also, rebelling against the older generations of the family from time to time only helped build my spirit. Having a set of parents who welcomed that spirit helped my confidence. Then came the final years of school that gave me a taste of leadership, then came college and all the extra curriculars that gave me the power to explore my mind, body and God alone knows how many possibilities. Then came the preparation for civil services that opened up a world beyond the one we see. This helped give me insight, experience, and finally, dreams. 

Then came the part where I got about fulfilling the dreams. The force, its training, and the service itself. 

You see. I'm putting in the words like allow, adjust, adapt, rebel, spirit, confidence, leadership, exploration, possibilities, preparation, insight, experience, dreams, training, service all together in one paragraph. 

This is not my story alone. Or at least, this is not an epic story. It is a standard one, as the words above come in the story of a large number of people I know. The need to become a strong individual is a normal need. Normal does not mean right or good or accurate or what is needed. It simply means that which is being found in the majority. 

The need to be strong is normal. Because it's what most people are. But do we all have to?

My little finger hurts. One of the smallest parts of the body to pain for the longest time. It's been months. The pain is there, it is bad and it is real. And I don't know why it is. A large number of doctors in a very large hospital don't know why it is. We shall soon find out, with all the tests going on. Or we won't. Some things are beyond the purview of empirical diagnosis. But that is not the point of my rant. 

The strength of all those years and that which is derived by all those words, is all at the stake of this little finger today. The ideas that come up with regard to the possible diagnosis, if found true could have the power to break me finally. And all those words will remain just words. 

I know pain. And I know physical pain is nothing compared to the one we can feel. But this little finger has got the power to become a pain far more unbearable in nature than any I have experienced before.

As one grows up, they have a very definite understanding of what is dear to them. And this little finger has already shown me very vividly, how it could be possible to lose a lot of that which I have come to hold dear. 

Today, it is the power of the little finger against the power of me. With all my strength of mind and body, of personality and character, I stand with my eyes full of tears that refuse to roll down in the last and final show of strength looking at that little finger which could be anything. 

It is my little finger. So why not make its power mine too. Why not be 'little finger strong'? Won't that help me win this fight? 

It will. 

And it must.

Because it is normal.

Do not let the silence speak.

 Day 16 of quarantine, 
With the walls, the bed, my belongings and me,
Sitting, eating, talking, thinking, watching, reading
All in bed, in my blanket
My wonderfully cozy bed.

And with medical care
And steam and turmeric and vitamins,
I sure do find ways to keep myself busy,
But most of all,
The real struggle is only one:
To not let the silence speak.

As the noise outside dies down,
And as the brain finds a while vacant
The silence starts to speak to it, to me...
It speaks and yells and cries.... and scares
Of death, of pain, of nightmares in the day
Of losing loved ones and worst fears coming true
Of fateful darkness and days I only rue
So the struggle is one, the only one that is real:
To not let the silence speak

As when it does, I feel nothing but numb;
As in its stories, it has nothing but hurt
As this silence has powers to weave them
With great skill
And no mercy

The silence has a knack to take
My greatest fears and speak of them to me
The silence knows
That its presence is my weakness
It thrives as a little of me dies
In the struggle, everyday, day in and out
To not let the silence speak.

My Prayer

Let the dawn of the morrow 

Come with a fog

Let the winds of the eve

Chills reveal

Let the days not bloom

And the nights spell gloom

But let me not lose my

Humanity.

Let hurdles and marshes

Come as they please

Let pains and rebukes

Be known to me

Let desires sleep

And realities seep

But let me remember my

Humanity

Let my heart be broken 

A thousand times over

Let those I loved

Take a piece of me forever

Let my back be wounded

With stabs all over

But let me hold onto my

Humanity

Let me wipe a tear

Let me bring a smile

Let me spread cheer

And let me challenge vice

Let me have the courage 

To always be me

And let me send out my

Humanity.

"Where have you stopped?“

I recently went to Mumbai to attempt yet another exam for recruitment in the paramilitary forces. Between the two papers I had to attempt, we had a two hour break. As I sat down on a damp stair to munch on my packed theplas with some tea, an elderly gentleman sat beside me and asked politely if I cared for one of his homemade sandwiches. A few niceties later I found out he was conducting a Forum in the college we were in. That was why the whole place was packed on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

When I asked him what this forum was about, he scoffed. Two minutes later he asked me abruptly, “Where have you stopped in life?”

I did not find it to be a bizarre question. But I was mildly awed at my own reply. “I haven’t stopped.”

As our conversation proceeded, I figured he was bent on finding if there was something in my life that was pulling me back, or something of that sort. Also, he really believed that he could help me and the very idea made him very happy.

I participated in the rest of the conversation simply in order to let him continue feeling the same way. And in turn I was enjoying doing just that. I even noted down the address and phone number of his organization, knowing very well that I would never be using it.

What stayed with me were that question and the answer.

Of the millions of universal truths we believe in as a society and as experiences justify and make us repeat them, there is the one that ‘things keep changing, and life keeps moving on.’

But then, at the same time there are people like this gentleman and all those whom he inspires and helps who keep looking for points where people’s lives have stopped, got stuck..

So it seems like a paradox to me here: life keeps moving but people are stopped.

To put it in a relatively literal reference, the heart keeps beating but the mind is stuck. (yeah! Blog title reference!)

There was a time I was stuck. And I am glad it happened. It helped me know myself truly. And it showed how strong I can be. And most of all, it helped me be happy about who I am. Being stuck helped me be unapologetic about being myself. I stopped everything and embraced myself. And it was only then that I took the next step forward.

And like I told the man, I don’t feel that I have stopped anymore. Of course there are issues, worries and troubles I have- big and small. And as life keeps moving I carry some with me, leave some behind. But I do not stop, even if I want to. And sometimes I want to stop. Sometimes life is great. All the right ingredients are put in and it all tastes great. But I still know there’s got to be a change. Breathing just makes you go on. You got to take the next step because you gotta change the scene!

Nah! I haven’t accepted that one universal truth and made it one of my principles. I have made a choice to keep moving – from the good and the bad too.

The man’s question makes sense to some people. Some of us are really stuck. There just are situations that do not allow us to make breakthroughs in the directions we want to. And even as we do keep breathing and our life does keep moving, our minds just remain on the one plane or situation or issue. But I also think even as we approach forums, people, therapies to help us move ahead, it basically is our choice. Being stuck is not losing. It is not a problem that you have, that needs to be solved. It is a choice you made, even if it must have been when you were in grave turmoil or most vulnerable. And it is completely up to you, and what you want, that you make the choice to move ahead or continue being stopped.

I am not writing this to glorify my choices. (I do talk a lot about myself!).

I am writing this because I’d be happy living in a world in which, if when asked ‘Where have you stopped?’ people can say, ‘I have stopped here, and I don’t mind that it happened to me. I’ll get out of it when I am ready.’

Yeah , I don’t believe a forum can teach you life.

Life can itself teach you life.

Open Minds

I went to a school which gave too much importance to morals and values. This school was established in Sind in 1933 and was completely uprooted and shifted to Pune after partition. Founded by a philanthropist who is revered by the Sindhi community as a Saint, today it is not as well known in the city as the other elite schools. It was named after a saint- Mira Bai. But because it is called St. Mira’s it has often been ignorantly thought to be a Convent School.

St. Mira’s is a secular school. I guess a bit too secular. That is why I find the need to mention it as a description. We prayed every day before the first period. The prayer hall is called Sanctuary where stands a life size statue of our Founder Sadhu Thawar Lilaram Vaswani. I always wondered why we were saying prayers to every God with the statue of a mortal man before us. But today I am thankful for that Sanctuary period. That man was a symbol of goodness, of kindness and a huge amount of Positivity.

I learnt about all the festivals and important occasions of India in that hall. I learnt Christmas Carols, I learnt chapters from the Gita. I learnt about Ramzan Eid, Muharram, Pateti, Easter, Janmashtami, Onam, Durga Pooja, Gurunanak Jayanti,  It was not just text book knowledge, but we actually celebrated all of the festivals. All in front of Sadhu T.L. Vaswani.

The sanctuary period also included meditation. It gave me a lot of time to think, wonder and question about everything around me. Ever since I have memory of, I have always questioned the need to pray. I have never asked questions that has troubled me to anyone. I have always found their answers on my own. And as much as I questioned the function of the sanctuary, I came about to accept it. I made an agreement with myself that there could be something I could gain by repeating the Gayatri Mantra and Mrutyunjay Mantra every single day. I told myself there was no running away from prayer because the people who brought me here believe this could make me a better person. This meant they care about me. This couldn’t hurt. So why not do it properly?

During the last two-three years of school, I mostly conducted the Sanctuary. I guided about 400 students through a series of prayers, songs and celebrations. It felt wonderful because then saying the prayers myself became secondary. Doing my job became the priority.

Sanctuary slowly imbibed in me a quality that is so very important today that I guess all the future peace of the world depends on it. It gave me an open mind. It gave me, at a very young age the power to accept things, people and situations as they are and make the most of what I can get my hands on.

Sadhu Vaswani’s heir, the very old and yet the very sweet and agile Dada J.P. Vaswani, when asked by countless students, ‘What is it that India needs today?’, would answer the same thing:  “India needs men and women of good character.”

It took me years to actually understand what Character is. It took me longer to realize that in some way or another school and my family had helped me have a strong character. But after a certain point it became my responsibility to develop that character and give back to the world all I can in the best way possible. But first, for developing this Character it was necessary for me to have an open mind- in order to be at peace with the world I wish to work in and for.

So for me, Dadaji’s answer stretches out to the need of men and women with an open mind. Here, I am not saying that an open mind is one that simply accepts and allows everything that is going on around. I mean a lot of things.

An open mind is one that agrees there is good and there is bad. And it is up to the mind if it wants to do something about the bad. An open mind does not mind new ideas, perspectives, methods, in fact, it could be interested in new things, even be supportive of them.

An open mind tolerates. It disagrees with humility but does not boil down on what does not appeal to it. An open mind does not criticize. True, criticism is good for growth. But there is no meaning in criticizing something that cannot be changed or improved. That is just casting a negative shadow on the thing for absolutely no reason.

An open mind is sensitive. It is understanding and has a loud conscience. An open mind is just. It wouldn’t put down another for the sake of its own gain.

An open mind keeps learning. It learns from everyday situations and it learns from its mistakes. It is honest enough to admit when at fault and smiles in appreciation on hearing what others think of it.

An open mind forgives. It seeks to see people beyond their deeds and image and tries to get to know that humanity within.

An open mind finds it easy to unite with another because their differences don’t really matter when there is clarity of conscience.

What India needs today, are men and women with open minds. With the number of issues and worries of human civilization increasing by the day, it is getting imperative for minds to open up and embrace all that is good all around and stand together.  For most people today, all that matters is putting food in a plate, getting a decent education and being able to get a good night’s sleep. For the rest of us with these privileges, shouldn’t there be greater things to matter?

Causes to stand for aren’t few. But not everyone today has the time to run down the streets with placards and rally, not everyone has the strength to make things better for others with nothing to gain for themselves in the process. But the least that can be done is to let the good guys do their work, to not have a thinking so narrow that it would get clogged with the same old beliefs and ideas and the streams of good change would have no way to get through them; to not be judgmental and make peace with the fact that the world does not run according to the nerves in your brain.

I still have a long way to go in this process. We all do!

There are just too many people in the world. Thinking with an open mind will, if nothing else, at least get you more friends.

Joining the Tolerance debate bandwagon.

So I was done preaching through my blogs. It doesn’t really work. Some people like it, some think I am weird. Others simply look at such things as a good piece of writing or something of the sort.

But now I am done listening to the word Tolerance, or its opposite or its verb form or its adjective form or some other form. The word has lost all meaning thanks to sheer repetition. I am sick of the word and as much as I would like to think of other things, it keeps ringing in my head or coming in front of me. And I can’t keep this down anymore.

We have got stop being just tolerant now! Just stop it! And start opening our minds for real. A broad, open mind does not have to be tolerant. It does not find the need to digest an opinion, view point or choice different from its own and then permit its existence. Nope! No need of all that work. Because an open mind just doesn’t care if other minds don’t work like it. It is jubilantly carefree of the choices or opinions of others and still has a firm and self-respecting one of its own.

There is no damn debate about whether India is tolerant or not. I love my country. I think it is a lovely, lively place with the heartiest people in the world. But even the best people have flaws. And when the flaws become their habits and get better of them, it becomes highly difficult to love them. And the flaws of pushing down our opinions on others and punishing them for not sharing ours and wasting precious time and newspaper and internet space on fighting over who is right and wrong, good and bad, Indian or Pakistani, RSS or AAPtard, and so on and so forth has become our habit and got better of us.

What happened man?

India is a tolerant country. It is a simple sentence we used in conclusion to History textbooks. India a rapidly developing country is what we find in conclusions of Economics and Politics texts.

It’s all true. We tolerate bribes, unjust references and out of the line admissions - left, right and center. We tolerate the fact that a lot lot more than just a half of the population is Male and thinks that the rest is always better at making a sandwich than driving a car. We tolerate sham schools and pseudo syllabi that give us useless degrees and rejoice at the apparent belief that we are educated. We tolerate gossip. We tolerate some people screwing other peoples’ lives for the most selfish reasons, we tolerate crime and fight tooth and nail for tolerance towards criminals. We tolerate the sham democracy we are becoming and we tolerate, no, we elect and support the very butts that make us one.    

We love eating a Sub and talking about some random social issue like it is the government’s problem alone. We’re a bunch of confused idiots who think they are doing their bit by working for the country or running a social organization, but the moment we get a chance at some overseas opportunity or a well-paying job, we’re moving on. We’re a bunch of sloppy young people who constantly want to click selfies and spend a major part of the day in self-obsessed oblivion but when something serious happens, we make sure to take the two minutes off our schedule and post on facebook about the event in a socially likable and ‘comment’able manner.

Truth is, what is happening in the world isn’t changing our lives drastically. It is only a blessed few who lose their sleep over the fear of rising tolerance to intolerance or waiting for a really explosive situation to take place only to shake up everyone, each and every one of us enough to really open our minds.

We just need to stop tolerating crap.

We need to stop tolerating the idiots who think our unity can be compromised a well orated religious rant. We need to stop tolerating the press and mass media who instead of doing an objective and unbiased job is hell bent of shoving its own opinion down our throats. We need to stop tolerating injustice for real, every single day of our lives. We need to stop tolerating dirt and slums and half naked children on streets. We need to stop tolerating people our age who do not have better things to do than get you a joint. We need to stop tolerating a healthcare system that makes us wish people rather died at times. We need to stop tolerating idiots who make a big deal out of a sentence popping out of an actor when actually we should be turning to ourselves and figuring out if there is anything even slightly wrong with us that contributes to all that is going wrong around. We need to stop tolerating anyone who thinks they can influence our choice to be ourselves. We need to stop tolerating all this bullshit and get down to what’s real, useful, meaningful and rational.

Stop tolerating. Start working.

August 2

It 's a lot of things today...

It is Dharmadhikari Sir's birthday today.
I feel too small to say Happy Birthday Sir..
I ll just say, we know what you would like as Birthday Present.. And will give my best to get it for you..

It's also Dada J.P Vaswani's 97th Birthday..
He was, is and will remain my spiritual guide.. I cannot be more nostalgic about the one time he answered my biggest questions in two words.
And it wrote the pages of the life I've created today..

It is also the last day of our UPSC Comprehensive Course, formally atleast...
We've got a long way to go though..

It is also Friendship Day.. (which I completely forgot, was reminded by Facebook)..
Time to prove my friendship with books and knowledge..

And because it's late night, and I don't care who's reading anymore.. I feel like I can type away...

It's like I've been on a crossroad for a year. And I finally have turned in the direction I really want to move towards.
It's been a tough year.. I've hated it and loved it at the same time..

But the final month has come.. And even as I know I am far from prepared, I know I can plunge into this one..
It's been a journey getting here and now that I have direction, it feels good to know I am trying..
It feels better to know that I could have chalked out a different life, an easier life and a happier one, but I chose this and I feel responsible for it..

I do not know what is going to happen 22 days from now. I know what is going to happen in these 22 days.

I've lost a lot, but time is what I've lost the most..

But again,
Nothing is lost and never can be lost.

Hehehe! I love ranting!